we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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