the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
