I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
