We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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