Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
