Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
