Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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