Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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