And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We're too hungover to prance.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
