I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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