You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
