I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
