ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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