I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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