Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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