who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
