Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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