I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
