Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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