My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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