You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
