Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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