I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
