I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
