I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
