he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
