do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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