even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I want to fling myself into the sun
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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