Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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