you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
