Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
