I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
