It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
