Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize