I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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