Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
