wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
