can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
