my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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