did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize