My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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