my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
