just survived the first fart of the relationship.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He? As in you personified your dick?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
