This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
