You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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