"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
