So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
