FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize