it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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