tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
