He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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