he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
