I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
