Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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