It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
