i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize