i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize