You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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