So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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