Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
