My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My ass is underappreciated
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
