I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
