Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think people are normalizing furries
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