my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
